The Hairclub For Men
by chiefhow
Summary: My rather misguided version of VH. Velkan gets a bigger role, as does Carl, the Brave. (Yes, in capital letters) Everything is a bit odd, but it's a good odd. (Maybe) You'll just have to see for yourself...R&R please!
1. The Village People

Author's Note- Van Helsing was one of those movies that I probably should hate, but love. So, no, I am not writing this to offend the general public, I simply felt it would be fun to try a fresh approach. Review, and I'll love you forever.

Disclaimer-I don't own anything, though if I did, I'd want Dracula's hair piece. It's awesome.

Transylvania 1887

Villages in their drab villager garb and unkempt hair approach castle Frankenstein with jealous expressions. They have heard many tales of the secrets of hair care residing in this very castle, and greedily wish it for themselves.

"It's alive!" repeats Dr. Frankenstein several times. Once was apparently not enough. He hears the commotion outside, and is horrified at the sight in front of him. For no other reason than because the author thought it would be amusing, the village people break out into song. And, yes YMCA is the song of choice.

"Dear God! It's the Village People!" exclaims Dr. Frankenstein, apparently to himself.

Dracula, being the sneaky fellow that he is has come up behind the good doctor.

"No shit Sherlock. You didn't think that they would hear of your secret hair experiments and not want a piece of the pie?"

"But, why are you speaking so oddly? Who's Sherlock?" asked Dr. F, confused.

"Twit. Well, now that your experiments appear to be a success, I'm going to be taking him now."

"But, your hair is already quite nice..."

"Why, thank you. But I'm afraid I must have more. Now, for no other reason than the author likes the phrase, I will tell you of my 'fiendish plot'."

The Village people have grown tired of their song and dance hour, and have returned to beating down the flimsy gates of Castle Frankenstein.

"Good God! Not that!!" exclaimed the doctor. He pushed back his less than perfect hair from his face.

"Oh, yes. That." Said Dracula, a slight fiendish smile forming on his face.

"Do I have to?" asked DR. F.

"Yes."

"Well, all right, but don't tell me I didn't warn you..."

"Actually, you are becoming a bit superfluous." Admitted Dracula, a twinge of sadness in his undead voice.

Dr. F gapes at Dracula, "Oh, yeah, well I'll just run you through with this conveniently located weapon while my homeboy Victor distracts you."

"Actually, Victor is **my** homeboy now. But, go ahead, make my day bitch." Challenges Dracula, as he impales himself on Dr. F's handy weapon.

"Dude, that's disgusting."

"Now you've hurt my nonexistent feelings."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Apologized Dr. F, head hung in shame.

"That's okay." Said Dracula, understandingly, and promptly drains Dr. Frankenstein of his blood.

Frankenstein, who has been sitting on the table like a good little boy all this time, is shocked by his "father's" apparent demise. He has not yet learned his own strength, and accidentally knocks Dracula into the fireplace. "Oops!" he says, and promptly forgets all about it. He grabs his father, and dives out of the handy escape hatch.

"I'm so glad we installed that. Who knew it would be so useful?" said Frankenstein, in what appears to be a misplaced soliloquy. Finally, he realizes that this is not the time or place for such soul-searching thoughts, and runs toward the brewery. He had always felt safe there.

The Village People, warned by "homeboy" Victor, have spotted the monster and his master, and promptly run after them, shaking their pitchforks menacingly.

Dracula has emerged from the fire, and regenerates, checking his hair to make sure it was not harmed by the fiasco. To his relief, he finds every hair in place.

"That was a distinctly unkind thing to do. I'm afraid I will have to go after this bumbling fool." And so he does.

Frankenstein runs up the stairs of the brewery, and grabs a bottle of Absinthe, just in case. You never know when hard liquor will come in handy.

The Villager with a distinct resemblance to Cher, screams in a high-pitched voice "Burn it down, get the lousy scoundrels! They just want all the Absinthe to themselves!"

This enrages the Village People. How dare they! They had worked hard to produce such powerful drugs! They immediately begin showing the wooden brewery with their lit torches, though every so often, they forget and toss an unlit one in. One such torch hits Frankenstein on the head, and he let's out a scream. "WHY???????"

A Villager turns around for no real reason, and sees, to their terror, VAMPIRES.

"Agh! Vampires powered by Pantene Pro-V! Run for your lives! We don't stand a chance against their flawless tresses!" he screams, and The Village People run away to the sound of minstrels.

Alas, the fire aided by Absinthe, has burned down the brewery, taking both mortals down with it.

Dracula and his brides land in the grass next to the flaming brewery. The brides, who have obviously never heard of the Spice Girls ("Girl Power!") collapse in a blubbering mess.

Dracula stares into the flames. Pantene had simply not been strong enough. He needed the secret methods of a dead man. Hwy did it always work out this way?

1888 Paris

Van Helsing stares at an unflattering picture on a wanted poster. It is himself, and he curses the artist. They didn't do his hair justice! Not only that, they were trying to hang the "Jack the Ripper" murders on him. Really, this is Paris! Not Whitechapel! Why are these crimes being committed in another country? He stared down at the unfortunate hooker, until his keen ears picked up the dulcet tones of the creature who had killed her. Spurred into action, our fearless hero rushes to pursue the villain.

In the bell tower of Notre Dame, which was picked for no other reason but for its scenic view, Van Helsing comes face to face with evil.

"Dear God save us! It's Fat Bastard!" he shrieks, his nice hat falling off to reveal flowing tresses. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to make rent. Subway doesn't pay like they used to." Shrugs FB.

Van Helsing looks confused "But...You're fat again."

FB sighs. "Relapse. I couldn't help myself. There was this herd of cattle..."

"I don't want to hear about it. Try exercise."

"That exercise advise is shit. I've tried everything. Atkins is a bitch."

"Well, moving on...I'm supposed to bring you in, though I do accept decent bribes."

"Do you want my pants?" asked FB, hopefully.

"For the love of God, do not take off your pants! In the name of all that is holy!" shrieks Van Helsing in terror.

"I could promise never to do it again..." said FB, trying to look remorseful. Van Helsing, being a terrible judge of character/emotions thinks he is serious.

He sighs. "I suppose, but next time, I will have to maim you. See you at the pot luck."

"I love pot lucks! I always get lucky, you know what I mean?"

"No, and I can honestly say that I don't want to."

They go their separate ways, Van Helsing standing on top of the bell tower for dramatic affect. Townspeople have gathered around the dead hooker. "Van Helsing! You sicko!" yells one man.

Van Helsing has been deeply hurt by this accusation, and goes to Rome to nurse his feelings. He steps into the confession box, full prepared to talk about what happened that one time, in that place with the thing, but is interrupted.

"You let him go? And invited him to our super secret annual pot luck dinner? You will burn in hell for this, you do know that, right?"

"What about the golden rule, father?" asks Van Helsing, meekly.

"The Golden Rule is complete bull."

"Oh."

They go down to the "super secret lair"

"We have kept mankind safe for, like, ever."

"Really? For, like, ever?"

"Yes, it's a test of faith. You're supposed to kill the lousy fuckers." He admonished.

Van Helsing looks remorseful. "Oh."

Priest/Bishop/Father/whatever he is says "Cue my highly informative map of Transylvania!"

Magically, the map appears. He then proceeds to explain with handy illustrations the plots of Dracula, and the Valerius family.

"The Valerius Family will never enter heaven, until this son of a bitch is killed."

Van Helsing ponders the family photos with great interest. Seeing this, the Bishop guy feels inclined to add his two cents.

"Isn't Velkan hot?" he asks in wonder.

"Well, Anna's quite the looker, but I'm into Horace. Eye patches are sexy. Too bad he's dead." He sighs.

"Dracula's hair is said to outshine even yours. He eats lots of protein. You've never met one such as this before." Warns the Bishop guy.

"He thinks his hair is prettier than mine? I will teach that hair slut a lesson!" exclaims Van Helsing, pouting a bit.

"We can't let their 'Get out of Hell/Purgatory free card' expire. That would be very uncool. Besides, I won't be able to meet Velkan.

"A 'Get out of Hell/Purgatory free card'? That's handy, why don't I get one of those?" asked Van Helsing, a bit jealous now.

"Do you really think I want to see you every day when I die?" asked the Bishop, incredulously. "Anyway, Valerius the elder left this here four hundred years ago. The Latin inscription reads, 'In the name of God, tell me...' and look at the symbol...Yes, it matches you 'Hair Club for Men' Membership card. Perhaps Transylvania holds the hair secrets you seek."

So, will Van Helsing ever gain shinier hair than Dracula? Will the brides ever meet the Spice Girls? Review!


	2. Pondering and Bitchfights

**It will get better, I promise. Bear with me!**

Van Helsing decides that he should probably get some handy gadgets. Because that's what people do in these kinds of situations. I know I do. Van Helsing succeeds in irritating all of the various inventors in the "secret lab" and Carl finally rescues him from the hands of a Turkish nun.

"Why don't you ever learn?" asks Carl, shaking his head in amazement.

"Because I'm so dashing!" responds Van Helsing, charming hero grin firmly I place.

"Right. You might want some garlic, silver stakes, and a crucifix. I've heard these are somewhat useful when fighting the undead."

"Why don't I get any fun toys?" asks Van Helsing, pouting some more.

"Because, don't you remember what happened last time?"

Van Helsing ponders this for some time, and Carl rolls his eyes. We all know who the genius is here.

"Well, I suppose you could have this really cool super arrow shooter thing." Says Carl, with a sigh. He knows he won't get it back in any sort of working condition.

"Oh, and you get to come with me." Says VH, staring at his new toy with reverence.

Carl gasps involuntarily. That would be suicide. Van Helsing was not exactly the most successful of combatants. "What the fuck?" asks Carl.

"Carl, you're a monk, you're not supposed to curse!" says Van Helsing, hurt that Carl doesn't wish to accompany him on his daring quest.

"I'm a friar, I can curse all I want, you fuckhead. I don't want to go to Transylvania with you. You're incompetent!"

Van Helsing drags Carl along anyway, making him carry the equipment. Poor, poor Carl.

Prince Velkan is tied to a pole in the middle of a clearing, hair shining, eyes alert.

"Come on, Dracula unleashed you for a reason." He hisses in his phony Transylvanian accent.

Suddenly, out of no where, a sheep dog runs out of the trees, yipping and slobbering, looking for a treat. The "hidden" rescue team shrieks in fright, while Velkan rolls his eyes.

"All right, you can pull me up now... waiting...waiting..." but alas, everyone is too busy shrieking to notice his order.

Cut scene to his sister, Princess Anna, with an equally phony accent, in a manner which draws attention to her ass. Cue hero music here. Audience wonders how she has avoided being burned as a witch for all this time. Anna turns to camera, looking menacing, threatening the audience with her various weapons. She rushes to aid her brother, but a villager stops her.

"No! You won't stand a chance against such creatures! It's evil matted fur will attack you shining curly locks!"

"But my extremely hot gypsy brother is out there!" she exclaims breathlessly.

"I suppose, we really don't want such a hot gypsy prince to die. What would we do without his striking features?"

Anna courageously rushes the sheepdog, who whines at her. The trap is sprung, and the sheepdog is enclosed in ribbons. It begins snarling at the offending material, making the villager who is in charge of the trap tremble in fear. He drops the net of ribbon, just as Velkan drops his "special" gun. The Villagers begin showering the sheepdog with streamers. This has little to no affect. Velkan rolls his eyes again.

"Anna, get my gun! Mine!"

Anna unnecessarily pushes people out of her way, looking for the "special" gun.

"Use Velkan's gun! It is loaded with pretty silver bows!" she yells in her unnatural Transylvanian accent.

The sheepdog, enraged by talk of more bows, breaks free of the offending ribbons, and yips after Anna.

"RRRRRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shrieks, leaving her brother swinging from a tree.

The race continues, but alas, our heroine reaches a cliff. She can go no further! Agh! The sheepdog approaches, sending fear into the maiden's heart. Suddenly, Velkan magically appears, and whistles. The dog sits back on his haunches, tail wagging, salivating at the thought of treats to come.

Anna kisses Velkan with great passion, much to the disgust of Velkan.

"Eww. Let's go home." He says, and they troop back to their castle/mansion thing, dog in tow, ready to be added to the collection.

Our brave and fearless hero (Carl) accompanied by Van Helsing is crossing an unidentified body of water. Hero music abounds. Van Helsing snivels,

"My hair is getting wet!"

Carl smirks to himself. He has a nice friar hood thing to keep of the rain.

They cross various picturesque locations, and find themselves magically in Transylvania. As they enter the Village, Carl decides this is an excellent time to ask some deep emotional questions.

"So, what do you remember?" he asks

Van Helsing ponders this for sometime, trying to remember anything. Finally he says, "Well...um...I think I remember greasing up my hair while singing and dancing..." shudders all the way.

"Dear God! I've never heard of such atrocities!" exclaims Carl.

"You asked. It's downright frightening." He says, shuddering a bit more for dramatic effect.

The Village People have gathered round, and greet their guests with their favorite song. Carl covers his ears in agony, while Van Helsing joins in. Over the noise, Carl shouts, "Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?"

"Because he insulted my hair." Van Helsing yells back.

"Oh, well I'm glad that isn't a ridiculous reason for risking my life." Responds Carl, loosing all hope of survival.

"Of course it is! Well, I suppose you wouldn't understand, what with your 'less than perfect hair'" he taunts.

"BITCH!" yells Carl, enraged by this unwarranted attack of his tresses.

This progresses into a bitchfight, and Anna comes up behind them, attempting a sexy look. The Cher guy decides to join in on the fun.

"Welcome to Transylvania, land of song and dance!"

"Turn around." Anna commands.

They do so, and ponder...

A) How she can do anything in those heels

B) How she manages to breath with the corset on

C) How she has managed to avoid being burned as a witch thus far.

When Carl expresses this last thought, Anna draws her gun and hisses menacingly.

"Oh...that's how..." laughs Carl nervously, trying to maneuver himself behind Van Helsing.

Anna can no longer stand the noise. "STOP SINGING! I HATE THIS SONG! CAN'T YOU SING SOMETHING ORIGINAL FOR ONCE?"

Immediate silence follows, as the Village People are forced to admit to themselves that they have no original songs.

"We will now disarm you, cuz I think you're a fox." Anna says, matter of factly.

"Really? Me too!" exclaims Van Helsing. The two stare at each other in mutual admiration, mouths open at their shockingly similar thoughts.

Carl, growing tired of this says, "Um...Van Helsing...Wouldn't it be a **bad** thing to be disarmed?"

Van Helsing ponders this for a time. "You're right Carl."

"You refuse to obey our laws?" asks Anna, hissing again.

"Laws suck! Anarchy all the way!" yells van Helsing, fist raised in triumph.

"Riiight. Kill the Anarchists!" yells Anna.

"But, wait, I'm here to help you..."

"GOD?" asks Anna, wondering expression in place.

"No."

"Oh, well do you think I really need help from someone with such inferior tresses?" asks Anna, scathingly.

The Village People feel inclined to comment. "Oooooo...SNAP!" they yell, glad that their slang has come in handy.

"Wanna go, Bitch?" challenges Van Helsing.

"Bring it on, hair whore!" yells Anna.

Velkan has been watching the scene unfold from the castle/mansion thing. He sighs, and decides he should probably break up the bitchfight.

Suddenly, they are attacked by Vampires! Agh!

Velkan cracks his knuckles, and smoothes his hair. He knows what to do. He makes his presence known to the brides, and they immediately stop trying to gorge themselves on the Villages People's blood. Velkan manages to seduce them all at once. (Which is not that difficult, when you think about it) and they go off to their usual room for a foursome. Van Helsing, thinking that Velkan is being taken to his death, and not wanting to face the Bishop/cardinal's wrath, attempts to save him. He ends up shooting one of them with holy water. Velkan rolls his eyes. When do these foreign idiots ever learn? The remaining Brides of Dracula collapse in a blubbering mess again, finally flying away to their master.

The Village People cannot believe Van Helsing is so stupid. There are many shouts of "Kill the lousy fucker!" to which Van Helsing wonders if they have ever met the Bishop/Cardinal guy.

"But...you can't kill me! I'm just doing my job!" he protests.

Anna makes her way through the crowd. She is now seeing his hair in a whole new light. She gasps. "It is Van Helsing, of the shining locks!"

An "Ooooooooo..." travels around the croup of Village People.

"I want to have my filthy way with him before he is killed." She says.

There is some sighs and moaning at this announcement. Oh, well, more fun later.

**One girl**- We will just have to see about that!

**Person who's name I can't remember because your review hasn't been posted yet**- I 've checked out the "Village People" story, and it isn't anything like mine. No YMCA to speak of. Thanks!

**MischiefHobbit**- Thanks!

**Kokoro Okami**- I'm not all that good with slash, but you never know...I'm glad you like Dracula's hair. I do.


	3. Drugs and Incest

**No reviews for the last chapter, but then again it sucked, so whatever. Tell me what I can improve upon. It would be much appreciated.**

Velkan is hiding in his room, while Anna brings the newcomers in following the "scenic route"

"So, how did you get here?" asks Anna, though no one has any idea why she would care.

"By sea." Answers Carl, looking thoroughly confused. Why **does** she care?

"That's fascinating." Says Anna, contemplating how to best get Van Helsing in her bed.

Van Helsing decides that he has been out of the limelight for far too long, the movie **is** named after him, and makes an extremely manly comment. "How can I kill the lousy fucker?" he asks, mimicking the Bishop/Cardinal guy. Note to Van Helsing. It isn't a good idea to get your pick up lines from the clergy.

"How should I know?" asks Anna

"Well, your family **has** been doing this for four hundred years..."

"I don't need your help, you imbecile!"

"Hey! Have you forgotten who killed a vamp today, hot stuff?" asks Van Helsing, defending his manhood.

"Do you have any idea how stupid it is to kill a bride?" asks Anna, completely astounded at his lack of foresight.

"No..."

"It's **really** stupid."

"Oh, well, that doesn't mean we can't hook up...Besides, you need help."

"Who will have beautiful hair, if not me, who will show strength of locks, if not me?" she asks, seemingly to herself.

Van Helsing has come up with a foolproof plan. Those are the only ones that work for him.

"I know, I know! You can be my good little helper, and we'll find the hair secrets for ourselves. We won't even tell Carl!"

Carl, who can hear all of this, sighs.

Anna is completely stunned by this generous offer. 'He's so manly/masculine...my feminine heart trembles for his glance!' she thinks, though perhaps not so eloquently.

"Some say you use extensions, others say you are all natural. Which is it?" she asks, curious.

"Well, it's a little of both, actually." Admits Van Helsing.

Anna is now thoroughly confused. "I promised you a screw."

"Yes, you did!" says Van Helsing, eagerly.

"I'm afraid I don't have time for that at the moment, maybe later. I must go find the hair secrets that my family has been searching for for nine generations." She says, and promptly turns away.

"Actually, you're not." He says, matter of factly.

"Really?"

"No, though this seems like an excellent time to offer my condolences for the loss of your father. Too bad he's dead, he was quite attractive." Says Van Helsing, nearly sobbing at the missed opportunity.

"Don't worry about it, I'll see him again."

"Were? Can I come?" asks VH eagerly.

"No. VIP access only."

Van Helsing is upset by this news, and to spite her, he sprays her with knockout gas. She hits the floor with a loud clunk, and Van Helsing leaves her where she falls.

"See, told you you wouldn't go without me! No woman can resist my charms!" yells Van Helsing triumphantly, but Anna, being unconscious, cannot muster a comeback.

When Anna awakens, she is suffering from a serious hangover. The world is spinning, and Anna decides that she would rather kill Van Helsing than fuck him.

"Van Helsing, that Hair Whore!" she yells, and goes blundering on, trying to find her footing. Interestingly enough, it is difficult enough to walk in her heels when sober, let alone when you are battling heavy drugs. She falls on her face several times, knocking over several suits of armor. No, this is not going according to plan.

Suddenly, our heroine hears a noise...she goes to investigate, because Anna is actually...NANCY DREW, TEEN AMERATEUR SLEUTH! Alas, with her handy lawyer father dead and gone, she must fend for herself, and has taken a second job as a vampire hunter. She thought it would make her look like Buffy. I guess strawberry blondes don't have as much fun as we'd like to think.

Anyway, so Anna/Nancy goes down searching the creepy corridor while dramatic music is played. Usually, this is a sign that something bad is going to happen. Now, however, Anna finds Velkan having a spitting contest with himself. Needless to say, Anna/Nancy feels the urge to join in his game.

This continues for some time, until the siblings are simply out of spit. They resort to actually using words.

"So, this Van Helsing fellow. I don't like him. He's an idiot." Says Velkan, stating the obvious.

"He drugged me! But he has such nice hair...how does he do it?" asks Anna in wonder.

"His hair isn't **that** pretty. Besides, he killed Marishka. She was my favorite." Says Velkan, mournfully.

Anna decides that it is time to raise her brother's spirits. She kisses him full on the mouth, and Velkan frantically tries to get away.

"Agh!" he screams, finally breaking free. He leaps through a window and miraculously lands on his feet. Fangirls all around the world rejoice. Van Helsing magically appears, and thinking that Velkan is the sicko, fire a gun at him. Thankfully, he has such bad aim, he completely misses the target. The Brides are watching from the castle, and run/fly to save him. They carry him away, and he really doesn't put up much of a fight. Asks males present... "Would you?"

Anna, heartbroken by her brother's rejection of her affections, turns to Van Helsing for comfort. I really don't know why, because Carl has also magically appeared. Carl is much more comforting than Van Helsing. Carl doesn't swagger, he toddles. Wouldn't you prefer toddling to swagger? I mean, really...

"That's my brother!" yells Anna, distraught.

"I know." He responds.

"Before or after you tried to kill him?"

"Before."

"And still you shot at him?" she asks, completely shocked at his lack of understanding.

"Duh, that is so completely sick! He's your BROTHER! Eww..." and Van Helsing goes off to squee like a wuss.

Carl hugs Anna instead. The embrace turns into a passionate kiss, but Anna pulls away.

"But, you are a monk!"

Carl rolls his eyes. This has got to be at least the hundredth time he has had to explain it.

"I'm a Friar. Premarital sex is perfectly okay for us Catholics."

"Oh... It makes so much more sense now." Says Anna understandingly.

They go off to Anna's bedroom, while Van Helsing stays behind, checking out his reflection in various suits of armor (the ones that Anna **hasn't** knocked down.) He reminisces about his days fighting evil...funny how it's all a blur. He hopes Fat Bastard has not had another relapse. Perhaps it hadn't been the greatest idea to invite him to the "super secret annual pot luck."

Meanwhile, Velkan is being waited on hand and foot by the two remaining brides of Dracula. He does not appear to be overly concerned with the fact that he is in the company of vampires. Dracula is in the other wing of the castle, having a tryst with homeboy Igor (whose name we have learned is not VICTOR. Oops...) "Remember Igor, do unto others..." says the count, breathlessly.

"So that I don't have to do myself..." finishes Igor rather stupidly.

Dracula smiles, glad that his pupil has learned so much under his tutelage.

The Brides start feeding Velkan grapes. This has happened on several occasions past, though no one ever seemed to tire of it. Tonight, though, the brides were on a mission.

"Velkan, will you help us find the secret to the perfect hair?" they simper together.

Velkan can simply not say no to them, and really sees no reason to refuse. He already has perfect hair. And besides, Anna was creeping him right out. An alliance is made. Velkan has joined the dark side of the force. **BUM BUM BAH!**

Van Helsing has shockingly grown bored of gazing at himself, and decides to meet more of the locals. Since they all love him. Not.

Cher decides he could still get some business out of the idiot. "I do nails." He said helpfully.

Van Helsing is shocked by the condition of his manicure. The pink paint was in need of a new coat. Mortified, Van Helsing frantically follows Cher to his nail salon. Little does he know what Cher has in store for him there...

**It sucks, I know. See, if you told me what was wrong, I could fix it. So, tell me!**


	4. MunchLoompas

**Been a while, eh? I'll try to update more often. I was working on my other stories a bit. Thanks for the reviews, and the thank you's are after the chapter.**

**Prelude to Disclaimer: This is the last disclaimer. Why bother after this point?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything in Van Helsing. If I did, my name would be Stephen Sommers, I would have money, and I would also be wondering how I've fucked up so badly. I would desperately seek the advise of CHIEFHOW for the planning of my next feature film. HINT.**

Dracula has decided that it is time to enact "THE PLAN" yes, it's even capitalized.

Dracula's workshop is rampant with MunchLoompas. Most people don't know what MunchLoompas are. Lucky for you, the author is providing a handy definition.

**MUNCHLOOMPAS**-_A cross between a Munchkin and an Oompa Loompa. However you spell that. Anyway, the MunchLoompas enjoy singing, dancing, and hugs. Also, child labor laws do not apply to them, thus they are a favorite of sweetshop owners the world over._

"How's it hanging, Igor?" asks the Count, eager to use his knowledge of slang.

Igor simply grunts, and pushes a few MunchLoompas out of his way.

The Count shakes his head. "Igor, what did we learn about the Golden Rule?"

Igor looks confused.

The Count sighs. "Violence hurts." He says, hoping that this will make the point, and he won't actually have to sing the song. Alas, Igor does not have a brain, and simply cannot pick up on subtext.

"Violence Hurts,

You or another,

It hurts our things,

Our Bodies,

And Each other.

Violence Hurts

Our feelings too,

Violence Hurts,

When it happens to you!"

The MunchLoompas like this song soooooo much, they join in. Much to the Counts displeasure. He had hired them to make him feel like a rebel, however they simply served to annoy him. And are being used by the author in a misguided effort at comic relief.

Van Helsing has returned from his visit to the Village Salon. He is keeping his hands in his pockets, unwilling to show the world his new manicure. They simply wouldn't understand.

Anna comes down from Carl's guest bedroom a bit breathless, with a smile firmly in place. It refuses to go away, freaking out Van Helsing. He tries to startle her into a frown, but she decks him. Thinking that this has taken care of the problem, she heads out to do battle with the powers of darkness.

Unfortunately, as this is his movie, Van Helsing follows her to Castle Frankenstein. It simply wouldn't do to have the title character miss out on all the action. If only he knew how much action he had missed already.

As they walk through the woods, they decide that this is a good time to get their quota of deep meaningful conversations filled.

"Why do you do this? Your hair is already stunning." Simpered Anna, falling into her role as the "feisty, yet soft" heroine.

"You can always improve perfection." Responds Van Helsing, modestly.

Anna nods, as if this all makes perfect sense. Suddenly, she sees here brother's shirt. She says as much to Van Helsing.

"Look, it's my brother's shirt!" she exclaims.

"Are you sure?" asks Van Helsing.

"Of course I'm sure. It says "Hot Gypsy Prince" on the label.

Van Helsing is illiterate, and thus cannot read the telltale signs of ownership.

They continue on their journey, and at some point get horses. I have know idea where these horses come from, as they didn't have them before. I guess they just serve as a noisemaker. Since noise is definitely what they want here, on this stealthy mission.

Anna trips again; still not over the drugs that Van Helsing had slipped her. Not that she was usually graceful. The shoes did not exactly accommodate normal motions. Van Helsing glares at her, and she glares back. It's all his fault, after all. That, and the costume designer.

"Well great, they totally won't know we're coming now!" Van Helsing yells.

"Not with you screaming like a Banshee!" she screams back.

"Banshee? Where?" asks Van Helsing, alarmed.

Anna rolls her eyes, and decides that they should at least try to stick to the script. "This castle should be abandoned. The owner wore a wig, among other things..."

There is a brief shot of Dr. Frankenstein, playing the part of Angel in the acclaimed Broadway Production, "RENT." He had lots of trouble with the lipstick, apparently.

Van Helsing and Anna shudder.

"I've never been to the sea. I'll bet it's completely polluted by now." She says, rather abruptly.

Van Helsing says nothing, as he cannot handle such a change of topic, nor can he comprehend the finer details of pollution. All he can handle is the saying 'Don't be a litter bug!'

Velkan has entered the room, wearing only a loincloth. This makes all the fangirls sigh and/or squee.

The Count rolls his eyes. Idiot mortal. He pushes back his flawless tresses, and the remaining fangirls give him their best squeee. "That's more like it." Says the Count, satisfied now.

He turns to address Velkan. "I need you for one of my experiments. I'm going to tie you up now."

"Eww...I don't think about you that way, Dracula!" protests Velkan, repulsed.

Dracula is running out of patience. The MunchLoompas have yet to finish singing the "Violence Hurts" song, constantly reminding him to "Keep his Cool" and learn how to spell "Dumb" (D-U-M. Dumb!)

"Just because I let you fuck around with my wives, that doesn't mean that I like you."

"Likewise." Replies Velkan.

"Watch it, bud, or I'll turn you into a sheepdog!" he proclaims.

All "GASP!"

"You wouldn't!" gasps Velkan, terrified now.

"I'm afraid that I would. Your father was of no use. He and Frankenstein were pals."

Image of Dr. Frankenstein as Angel with the cross-dressing Horace fill the screen, and everyone in it with terror. Except Van Helsing, who wishes he knew where Horace got the skirt.

The Count and Velkan notice how much spit has escaped their mouths during this conversation. Lots.

"Fine, I guess I could help you out with this experiment thing...but I get the brides for the night."

"Deal." Says Dracula.

All is going well. Now, all he needs is a bit of music...it magically is cued. It is the Count's favorite song. Yes. "THE HUSTLE"

Most people don't remember "THE HUSTLE" Thankfully, the author has added a handy definition.

"**THE HUSTLE"-**_ Popular during the Disco Era (the 70's) "THE HUSTLE" involves, four steps forward, four steps back, four steps forward, four steps back. Four twirling steps to the right, four twirling steps to the left, one jump forward, one jump back, forward and back ward jump in half the previous time, clicking the heels twice. Tapping the toe forward twice, tapping the toe backward twice, tapping toe forward once, tapping toe backward once, and spin. Repeat as necessary. Extremely popular in American gym classes across the land. The author highly recommends that you try this in front of a security camera. At least the bored security guard will have something to watch. Also, "THE HUSTLE" even has it's own song. It is creatively entitled "THE HUSTLE" and features lyrics such as, "Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dut dut, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dut dut...do the hustle!" etc. A fine piece of music. Great for parties._

Dracula starts dancing, and is quickly joined by Velkan. The MunchLoompas decide to join the fun, and the only person left without the joy of disco is Igor. Igor simply cannot handle the authors confusing instructions, nor can he have such an emotional capacity.

Anna and Van Helsing hear the distant sound of music, and are curious as to its purpose. They are unable to investigate, as a group of MunchLoompas appear, looking for petunias. They are unsuccessful in their quest, and soon get to chatting about Velkan's beautiful hair.Anna Gasps.

"They have my brother!"

"What are they?" asks Van Helsing. Due to his illiteracy, he has not read the author's handy definition.

"Don't let them see you!" hisses Anna, now terrified, "They'll start singing! I hate singing!"

Not wishing to anger Anna further, Van Helsing nods. Anna turns to follow the MunchLoompas, wanting to get to her brother. Van Helsing stops her, as he wants to foreshadow the ending of the film.

"I must help my brother escape from the brides!" exclaims Anna, pitifully. She tries to leave again, only to be stopped by Van Helsing.

"There is no escape from them. You know this." He replies sagely.

Anna tries to escape once more.

"We must take the Hair Secrets for ourselves." He says, in an ominous tone.

_Bum Bum Bah!_

__

**Alex Vossen- Thank you. I'm glad you like it.**

**Whitney- I think I shall.**

**MariBlu- Thanks for the suggestion. I tried to make that more clear, let me know how it worked.**

**FlutterbyButterfly- I'm glad you found it amusing. Let me know how this chapter went.**

**Random-Battlecry- if you are wondering why I blundered like an idiot in my last thank you, I couldn't actually read your review, and only remembered the mention of your story. It is excellent. Carl will have a staring role in the next chapter. In fact, the chapter title may simply be Carl... Hmmm... Anna suffered from the "Feisty Chick Syndrome" the characters start out all hostile, but are completely ruined by the end, as we see that they are complete wusses. (Sigh) so many characters have been ruined by this disease. Thank you for continuing to graciously review my poor attempts at humor.**


	5. Carl the Brave

**I'm working on making this better, though it helps when other people tell me what's wrong with it. So, let me know. What do you have to lose?**

Dracula was walking on the ceiling. This didn't actually serve any purpose, but the filmmakers thought it would be fun...anyway, Dracula is becoming anxious. Will the heinous experiment work?

"Just Do it!" he says, voice cracking. He had always admired the Nike Corporation, with their child labor policy...they never settled for MunchLoompas.

Anna and Van Helsing are walking as cautiously as is possible through the castle. It isn't easy with Anna falling over every few seconds. Van Helsing clucks like a mother hen, but to no avail.

They come across rows and rows of cheap hair care products.

"What is all of this for?" asks Anna, bewildered.

"This is the secret! Cheap Hotel hair care products! It's so simple!" says Van Helsing in awe.

"If the secret to the perfect hair was cheap Hotel hair care products, we would have found this before now!" disagreed Anna. "It must be something else."

They then notice that each bottle is hooked up to a cord. An electrical cord at that.

"Well, he's obviously trying something here. I mean, three gorgeous women for four hundred years? They would have nagged him to hell and back by now about his hair." Says Van Helsing, in his brief, shining moment.

Velkan is deciding that he no longer likes this plan. Him being electrocuted was not what he had in mind.

"Agh! I'm being electrocuted!" he exclaims.

"Ah, you are ever observant, Velkan." Says Dracula, nodding and smiling.

As Velkan is struck by lightning once more, the electricity is finally enough. Electricity runs from one cord to another, bringing life to the cheap hotel hair products. Obviously, Red Bull has joined the mix. You can't simply ignore the invigorating essence of Red Bull.

Anna and Van Helsing shriek. The Red Bull has given the cheap Hotel hair care products wings! It is rather reminiscent of the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. Except not as furry. Van Helsing makes a grab for one. Anna hits his hand aside, and glares at him.

"Just one?" he pleads.

"No." Anna hisses. They have no idea the power it holds. It would be stupid to touch an unknown substance. Especially cheap hotel products.

The Cheap Hotel Hair Products, hereafter referred to as CHHP, fly off to wreak revenge upon The Village People.

The experiment has failed. The CHHP actually makes your hair look worse. Dracula is distraught, and throws his remaining two brides from the balcony of his lovely castle. They shriek like banshees for a bit, but they can fly, so that's all right.

"That's a bit disappointing. Well, if I can't have perfect hair, no one will!" pouts Dracula.

Van Helsing decides that now would be the opportune moment to shoot a few CHHP out of the air. This angers the Count. Doesn't Van Helsing know that Violence Hurts? So, Dracula launches himself off of the balcony, and hits the parachute button. It takes him several minutes to reach the ground. By this time, Anna has already run/tripped off to find her brother.

Van Helsing has been making sure that his gloves are in place. It would not do to let the Count see his sparkly black nail polish. Cher had run out of pink.

Finally, we have gotten to the good part. Carl.

Carl is perusing various books, looking for the information to save their asses while Anna and Van Helsing go out on their pleasure jaunt. Anna's ancestors appeared to be very self-centered. They hadn't written down anything terribly helpful. It was mostly just "Today I did this..." "Today I did that..." or in Horace's case "I got a new skirt with Frankenstein at DEB..." it was all useless to Carl. Blackmail was out, as all of these people were dead.

His musings are interrupted by a tapping at the window. It appeared to be a shampoo/conditioner in one from the holiday inn. As he peers out of the window, he notices the helpless Village People being assaulted by the CHHP. This cannot be tolerated. Carl throws on his batman t-shirt, and grabs one of the conveniently located sabers from the wall (this movie seems to be rampant with conveniently located weapons...go figure...) Carl to the rescue.

Dracula is looking for Van Helsing, who is apparently playing hide and seek.

"I can tell the character of a man by his heartbeat. Usually, when I approach, I can waltz to the rhythm. You are obviously rhythmically challenged. I can't dance to this pathetic pitter-patter! Learn how to keep a beat freak! Though I suppose you simply can't help it, what with your inferior tresses!"

Van Helsing lets out a gasp. This has given away his position.

"Keep up the electricity! Fry 'im!" instructs Igor.

The MunchLoompas, however, are too busy doing the hustle. The experiment was a complete and utter failure. Igor sighs, knowing he wouldn't be getting anything for at least a week.

As Dracula continues his search for Van Helsing, He is sneakily staked by the afore mentioned hair bandit.

Van Helsing feels that this is an excellent time to do the sign of the cross, though he uses his left hand. It doesn't go as smoothly as he had hoped, and he ends up punching himself.

"Ow! That hurt you idiot! Ith thith your thilver thtake?" lisps the Count.

"I'm sorry." Van Helsing apologizes.

Dracula shakes his head as he draws the steak out of his chest. "You always were an idiot, Gabriel." He says, sadly.

Van Helsing's eyes go wide. "Father?" he gasps.

"No."

Anna has run/tripped off to find her brother Velkan. She quite literally stumbles upon Dracula's workshop. Unlike Jolly old Saint Nicolas, however, this is not where he decides who has been naughty or nice. This is simply a really cool factory type game room. Dracula has spent many fun filled hours finding that, yes indeed; his hairpiece _is_ a conductor of electricity.

Anna is trying to be sneaky, but she is not wearing stealthy shoes. She trips over some power cords. She is immediately spotted by the MunchLoompas. They run at her, trying to interest her in their new song and dance. Anna lets out a shriek of terror, and tries to run away. She must use great amounts of violence to accomplish this, much to the MunchLoompas' dismay. They would have thought that the "Violence Hurts" song would have been enough of a deterrent. They are sadly mistaken. As they chase her about, demanding hugs, she throws them off handy ledges, and stabs them with her saber. "No, no more intimacy! It's too much!" she yells, fending off their tokens of affection. She finally reaches her brother, who is tied up to an electrical devise.

"Do you ever wonder why you have no memories, Gabriel?" asks Dracula.

Van Helsing simply blinks a bit.

"Amnesia. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book. Instant plot! Used as a crutch by authors all over the world! You are simply a shallow undeveloped character! Take that!"

Van Helsing is deeply hurt by this accusation. He turns away to pout.

Anna rushes to her brother's side, and frantically tries to untie him.

"No, Anna, don't untie me! The Brides are coming for our S & M hour! Don't unstrap me!" he yells, desperate now.

Anna gasps at this betrayal. The Brides have decided to make an appearance.

"HISS" they hiss at Anna.

Anna becomes frightened, and runs away to the sound of minstrels.

Van Helsing remembers the crucifix that Carl gave him at the beginning of their journey. He decides that this would probably be a good time to try it out. He holds it directly in front of him, like a shield.

Dracula chuckles at it. Knocks it from his hands, and advances, heinous grin in place.

Suddenly, sounds of S & M reach their ears, and Van Helsing uses this distraction to make his escape.

Van Helsing runs with Anna. "Do you have a plan?" he asks, a bit anxious now.

Anna searches through Van Helsing's pockets, and finds a handy escape rope. She wraps an arm around Van Helsing, and takes both of their weights on her right arm. She must spend a lot of time at the gym. That isn't easy.

Van Helsing enjoys the view of the seemingly bottomless crevice. In a weird quirk of fate, the rope breaks, and they swing to the other side. This has never fully made sense to the author. According to my knowledge of geometry, they would hit the cliff wall, not land in the grass on the other side. But, then again, this is Hollywood. The rules of Geometry often do not apply here.

Carl steps out of the Mansion/Castle thingy. At the approaching CHHP, he merely shakes his head. He knows what he has to do.

He steps into the middle of the square, and strikes a dramatic pose. He shakes his mane of golden locks, and the CHHP stop in amazement. They drop a stunning young woman, and Carl catches her.

"How can I ever repay you?" asks the young maiden, breathlessly.

Carl considers this. He whispers in her ear.

"But, you can't do that...you're a monk!" she says in shock.

Carl shakes his head. "Actually, I'm a Friar, Doll face. We live by our own rules."

The young maiden is speechless at his eloquence.

Yes, Carl has indeed saved the day. Well, him and the batman shirt. We never were quite sure what made the CHHP pay attention...

**Review, Please!**


	6. Igor gets hooked on phonics

**I know I said I would update more often but…I'm a pathological liar. Sorry.**

Igor grunts a bit.

"We don't have smarts." He says, grunting a bit more, stating the obvious.

Dracula rolls his eyes. He goes to the telephone- yes, he has a telephone- and dials.

"Hello? Who is this?" he asks, eyes narrowed, "Ah…Yes, me again…yes…I don't want to hear about it…I need to sign 'Homeboy Igor' up for 'Hooked on Phonics.' …It works very well with the brides…they are more subservient than ever…I owe it all to you…eww! Shut up! Honestly, that's just sickening…it's no wonder I get all the chicks. I'm going to hang up now…" and he does so. Dracula has been scarred for life. **_LIFE_**. Nothing like a chat with an old friend to strike fear into one's heart. Fear of what you _might_ have been…shivers!

Dracula turns back to Igor.

"Everything is all right…soon, you will be hooked on Phonics! Muh hah hah!"

Igor grunts, and slouches off. Perhaps he needs more than phonics…finishing school is looking increasingly necessary.

&)(#($&#!&

"A silver stake?!?! A crucifix?!?! Idiot!" yells Anna, smacking Van Helsing upside the head, causing his hat to fall off. Van Helsing is greatly affronted by this grave insult.

"It would have been prudent to tell me such things, you hag!" he huffed.

Anna does not appreciate being called a hag. She works very hard to maintain her flawless appearance. It's no joke, really, wearing a corset and heals all day, every day. Not to mention those crazy diets…Needless to say, she was not particularly pleased with Van Helsing at this moment.

She beats him soundly.

Anna sighs, pleased with herself. The moment is ruined however, when Van Helsing manages to drag himself into an upright position, and eyes Anna's leather clad body with interest. She rolls her eyes.

"Don't give me that look…Carl has ruined me for all other men." She scoffed.

Van Helsing is saddened and betrayed by this news. Carl was supposed to be his friend!

**Here we interrupt this chapter for a special message from Carl. **

"**I do not consider Van Helsing my friend. He's far too incompetent to be considered a friend of mine. Also, you should really review this story…" **

**Chiefhow gives him a glare. **

"**It's true!" insists Carl.**

"**Such self promotion is so tacky!" Chiefhow protests.**

"**Well, moving on…" interrupts Carl, trying to change the subject.**

**This ends the special message from Carl. We will now return to our usually scheduled chapter.**

Anna is forced to admit that Van Helsing isn't a complete idiot. (Readers gasp…)

"You're right. He's not my brother anymore. Unrequited love sucks. I think I'll fuck you on the rebound." She announces, studying his rather bedraggled appearance.

Van Helsing could not be happier with this news. Apparently, it doesn't bother him that he is her second…wait no…third choice.

It was then, while Van Helsing was drooling, that Anna fist noticed the plethora of empty Absinthe bottles peppering the ground. They had reached the old abandoned brewery, so the sight of empty alcohol containers was not unusual. But their number was what caught her attention. Some one must have gotten seriously wasted… her alter ego made an appearance, and if you looked close enough, her hair was red tinted. Yes, Nancy Drew, teen sleuth was in the house. Or the brewery, whichever you prefer. Anna/Nancy bent to examine one of the empty bottles, hoping to find a clue that would inevitably lead to the capture of the heinous criminal. The problem with this, however, was that there was no actual crime involved. Just as Anna/Nancy was about to give up, the floor gave way instead. She and Van Helsing tumble through the hole, flailing. You see, it simply wouldn't be a book with out Nancy falling through the floorboards of some descript building or another…but wait, she has already been knocked unconscious, we might be able to scrape by without the floor boards bit…but too late. It can only boost the ratings.

Anyway, so they have hit the ground, and miraculously, neither of them has sustained any injuries. That's lucky, eh? Van Helsing's hat has made the journey with them, and he clings to it, as a toddler clings to his blanket. Anna makes a disgusted sound, and looks about, trying to figure out where they are, precisely.

She gingerly rises to her feet, and as this is a fictional tale, feels no pain. Satisfied, she begins her examination of their surroundings. There is a trial of empty absinthe bottles. Perhaps there is something amiss! That would be swell! Then Anna/Nancy would be able to solve the mystery and everyone would be in awe of her genius! It's just the chance she's been waiting for. So, she leaves Van Helsing to his hat and thumb, unwisely treading beyond the light (that for some reason is in the surrounding area. Even though they are underground, and it's nighttime anyway. Hmm…) and into the perilous shadows.

The monster of Frankenstein, hereafter known as Frankie, has had a very bad time of it. His electric has been canceled, his food supply depleted. He had no access to a shower, though with all of the electrical conductors in him, that might not be such a good idea anyway. He missed his father, Dr. Frankenstein. No one brought him warm milk before his nap any longer; no one told him that he really had a very pretty face. He now lived a life of boozing and tedium, every so often flipping through the useless scraps of paper that had come down with him. There was something about a valley, but he really couldn't make sense of the rest of it. Now, he had to face the harsh reality. The absinthe was gone. There would be no more wild evenings (by himself) no more hallucinations of green fairies, no more waking up in his own vomit. It was a terribly depressing thought, one that Frankie had wept over several times.

Suddenly, however, there was a noise to his right. There was an "oof" and then a bit of cursing, the figure seemed to have tripped. How odd. Frankie grabbed his cane, and poked the creature, not sure if it was a rather large salamander, or simply a demon. Wait…perhaps the absinthe had **not** run out after all! Perhaps all of this was a hallucination! That was it!

The occasion called for a bit of a celebration. Yes. It was time for…THE HUSTLE.

Anna looked on in horror as the "thing" began erratic and seemingly delusional movements…wait a tick…she had seen that dance before! It was…THE HUSTLE! Agh!

"AGH!" shrieked Anna, trying to run, but falling flat on her face.

The creature was distracted from his celebration. He hated when people interrupted his disco time! Why did these delusions always seem to come when they were unwelcome? He turned to it, prepared to command it to leave him to his discoing, when he stopped. It was a woman. A flesh and blood woman. He had never seen one of those! He ran to it, arms out stretched, beckoning the woman into his embrace. The woman simply screamed a bit more, her ridiculously heel shod feet kicking him. Frankie didn't like that. Why couldn't they just be friends?

Suddenly, a voice sounded behind him.

"Put her down, you Inferiorly-tressed individual."

**Luthien Anawamane**- It is quite random…but it keeps me amused…thanks for reviewing!

**Random-Battlecry**- As always, I was so happy to see your review! Indeed 'Long Live Carl!'


	7. Absinthe and Magenta do not mix

This is a bit short. I was really bored in court the other day, and decided that I was simply pining for some mindless Van Helsing chapters. They should come with a bit more regularity (though I am a pathological liar…so there we are.)

Van Helsing was trembling in his moon-boots. He generally preferred the "run and hide" method of attack, so this was a new experience for him. It didn't help that the fellow he had just challenged looked as though he ate small children for lunch. Or large rodents. Van Helsing often couldn't tell the difference. They both tended to run about in circles with buck teeth. They both made funny faces. Generally, such things didn't bother Van Helsing, but his acquaintance with the MunchLoompas had given him a new perspective on life. He was considering taking classes at the "Ye Olde Communitee Colligeee" (note the excessive use of "e" 's) to work on his degree in botany. He had always been fond of tulips. As he daydreamed of frolicking/tiptoeing through a carpet of tulips, a cough interrupted his fantasies. He gave an irritated snort, and focused his eyes on the pair in front of him.

Anna was currently grasped in a giant bear hug. That wasn't so weird. This was Anna we're talking about. It was the bear that was the issue. Now, bears are traditionally seen as either pyromaniacs or the frightening creatures of nightmares. Some would call both of these examples the same. As evidence of their differences, I offer you:

A) Smokey the Bear and

B) "Baby" bear (of Goldilocks fame) He was frightening. I tell ya' if I had been in Goldilocks's shoes (or moon-boots) I certainly would have been shaking in them. I mean, come on, she trashed his custom made chair. It was "just right" Not to mention the whole "B&E" thing and getting his sheets dirty with her undoubtedly dirty shoes. I would have been okay with the porridge part though. Ew. So, anyway, as I was saying, you cannot judge a bear by his appearance. Smokey the Bear actually seems cute and cuddly from his exterior. Maybe it's his hat. What they don't know is that he has a rather disturbing hobby. He enjoys setting fire to various swine's houses, in the guise of a so-called "Big Bad Wolf" But the subject of the misrepresentation of wolves in myth, legend, and folktale is a subject for another time. Their lawyers will be in touch. I digress. Anyway, compare the pyromaniac Smokey the Bear to the frightening and feisty "Baby" Bear. You get all kinds.

The bear I am referring to was not either of these unstable individuals. In fact, he wasn't even a real bear. The author simply wished to ridicule the term "bear hug" and the reader can probably skip the last paragraph. Moving on, the "bear" grasping Anna was apparently quite conscious of his appearance. Now that he had shifted, Van Helsing was able to see more of him in the light. Van Helsing inspected the creature from head to toe. Or toe to head, no one is quite sure which. It was wearing large platform boots, a horizontally striped jumpsuit, and had some of the most attractive tresses Van Helsing had ever seen. Magenta was the sporting hue of the apparel, locks, and cosmetics. He was beautiful in a hideous sort of way. He obviously took after his father in everything but the hair department. Van Helsing was entranced by those magnificent magenta tinted tresses, and hopped up and down, trying to get a better view. The fashion plate blinked at him. At this rapid movement, Van Helsing dropped to the ground in reverence.

Anna and the demigod stared at each other in confusion.

"Um…hello? Van Helsing, you asshole, I could use some help!" screeched Anna, still clutched in the creatures embrace.

Van Helsing raised his head a bit. "But, Anna, can't you see I'm busy? He could very well be the thing we are searching for. Perhaps he could tell me what shampoo he uses." Mused Van Helsing aloud, very nearly foaming at the mouth.

"Dude- You have something to say to me, say it. You have some absinthe for me, give it here. I need it…need it. But, no I could stop at any time…" the fashionista babbled.

Anna knew what the problem was now. Several of her relatives had had a love of hard liquor as well. "The first step is admitting you have a problem." Anna advised sagely.

"What?" the creature blinked at her.

Anna patted his shoulder consolingly. "It's all right. You aren't the only one."

Van Helsing burst out laughing. It was wussy laughter, and Anna was sure to inform him of the fact.

"You laugh like a wuss." She commented dryly.

Frankie is now thoroughly confused. In his confusion, he drops Anna smartly on her ass. This just makes Van Helsing laugh harder. Anna's eyes narrow, and she hisses. Van Helsing has the intelligence to stop laughing. Anna decides it's time to get down to business.

"Can we talk, buddy?" she asks.

"Buddy?" he asks, bewildered.

Anna raises an eyebrow. "Buddy, pal, amigo, dawg, homeboy…you know what I'm saying, foo?" she asks.

At the mention of the "dawg" comprehension dawns on Frankie's face. "Ah, yes. Well, I suppose that makes you my bitch, eh?" asks Frankie.

"One would assume that." Agreed Anna.

They did a complicated handshake that had Van Helsing's head spinning, and went to the corner for some "homebrew" Van Helsing followed; a bit dejected that Anna had never been his bitch. He sulked for a bit, but then decided that he should probably be monitoring their conversation.

"…And then they made me their chief…" Frankie was saying.

"That's fascinating Frankie. But we should really go to that A.A. meeting. It'll make you feel better. Besides, you'll be the best dressed there!" Anna urged.

"Anna…" Frankie whined, " I don't have a problem! I'm fine! I'm normal!" he exclaimed. Then he looked down. "Okay, so I'm special. That doesn't mean I have issues."

Anna just stared at him a bit more. Frankie couldn't stand it any longer. All the angst, sobs, and tears burst out of his enormous body in waves. Van Helsing looked on in horror, while Anna tried to make soothing sounds. It actually sounded more like clucking, though Van Helsing wisely decided not to tell her that.

"MY MOTHER DIDN'T LOVE ME!" Frankie sobbed. "MY DADDY WAS KILLED IN AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT! THE GREEN FAIRY NO LONGER DANCES FOR ME! THIS IS THE END! I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL…IS THAT HORACE?" he asked, babbling now.

Anna gave his cheeks a few quick slaps. Far from shutting the giant up, it only intensified his wails. "THEY WOULDN'T LET ME INTO MARSHALL FIELDS THE OTHER DAY, AND I MISSED THAT BITCHIN' SALE! THERE WAS A THONG I WAS QUITE FOND OF, BUT, NO…CAN'T HAVE UNNATURAL WALKING DEAD CREATURES SCARING OFF THE CUSTOMERS!"

"Frankie…I'll take you next time. You can buy all the thongs you want." Anna assured him.

"YOU MEAN IT?" he asked.

"Yes. But first, we're going to the A.A. meeting." Anna informed him.

Resigned, Frankie nodded.

As was usual, Van Helsing was confused. He tilted his head, trying to appear pensive. Anna noticed and whispered in his ear, "I'll take him, and you can search his place for the hair secrets. If you cut me out of this one, I'll cut off your balls. If you have any." She assured him.

Feeling slightly ill, Van Helsing agreed. He watched as Frankie and Anna hobbled out of the room (if that is the correct word for "hovel") it appeared they both had terrible choice in footwear. They bitched to each other all the way to the A.A. meeting. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Van Helsing looked about the hair god's domicile. It was rather pathetic, though he knew that treasure resided here, appearances aside. He was beginning to feel sharp stabs of regret, however. It had really tugged at the heartstrings, that Frankie hadn't been able to get his beloved thong. Van Helsing didn't want to leave him so heartbroken again, and stealing his hair care products would do that. Oh, well. The Cardinal dude had told him the Golden Rule was complete bull anyway. With that dismissive thought in his mind, Van Helsing rolled up his sleeves, and prepared himself for the tasks ahead.

I know, it was short, but I felt like posting. Next chapter, we'll have the A.A. meeting, and hopefully more Carl! Thanks to all my lovely reviewers! You should really review. Think of me bored out of my mind in some godforsaken courtroom…you'd want yummy reviews too!

**LadyValerious**- Okay. You got it babe.

**Knnyphph**- I'm glad you're enjoying it!

**Whitney**- Haven't I already thanked you (joke! Joke!)

**Random-Battlecry**- as if anyone who **hasn't** seen the three amigos actually knows that word! I loved "el guapo!"

**Kokoro Okami**- Indeed. They really should have made my version. Its so much more perverse.


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